I’m no stranger to dating apps. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Feeld, and even lesser-known ones like OK Cupid and Match have all graced my phone’s home screen over the years.

For a lot of people, dating apps are a great way to find meaningful connections and even long-term partners. They can also be a solid way to meet new people who could become lifelong friends, or even just fulfill physical intimacy needs.

But over the past year, I’ve come to realize that dating apps don’t work for me.

I’ve got several reasons why, and I’d like to share them with you in case you’re also looking for meaningful connections, whether that’s friendship, romance, or something else.

Before diving into why dating apps don’t work for me, let’s go over the pros and cons of using them.

The Positives of Dating Apps

When used correctly, dating apps can be a useful tool for finding meaningful connections.

One of the biggest challenges of meeting someone in real life is the uncertainty: is this person even interested in you? Are they available? 

Dating apps eliminate that mystery because when you match with someone, there’s at least some mutual interest. You and some random person on the internet both “swiped right,” which gives you clarity right from the start.

That clarity is super helpful. A lot of people waste time dropping hints or taking roundabout approaches just to figure out if the other person is even interested. Dating apps take out that guesswork.

Another advantage is accessibility. If you’re super busy with work or being a single parent, dating apps allow you to connect with (hopefully) single people looking for something meaningful without the need to invest tons of time upfront.

The Negatives

Time 
One of the biggest downsides is the time and energy required. At first glance, dating apps seem like the perfect solution for people who don’t have time to meet others naturally. But anyone who’s spent enough time on them knows they can quickly suck up huge chunks of your life.

Too Many Options
Another issue is the abundance of options. If you can always meet someone else with just a swipe, why settle? Why not keep searching for something better? Why take the time to get to know the person you just went on a date with when there’s always a chance there’s someone more special out there?

This is a well-known psychological phenomenon called decision fatigue. Having too many choices can make it hard to make any choice at all.

What Are Your Options?

You’ve got two options: either ditch dating apps completely and meet people the old-fashioned way, or use dating apps productively. Remember, dating apps are just a tool to help you get what you want.

I’m going to share some insight and advice on how to find love — whether online or in real life — in Rochester, New York.

Offline Dating

My preferred way of meeting people is in real life. As I mentioned earlier, dating apps just don’t work for me.

One major reason is that I have ADHD. One of the common symptoms is impaired object permanence — not in the sense that I forget things exist like a baby playing peekaboo, but I often forget about people I don’t have regular interaction with.

So, if I match with someone and we don’t keep up a conversation, I’m likely to forget about them — even if we’ve had a great date!

For me, the solution is simple: meet people in real life, where I naturally interact with them.

This has been a game-changer. I’m happier, more confident, spend less time glued to my phone, and have had deeper relationships.

But before you go and delete all your dating apps, take a moment to reflect:

• How comfortable are you with rejection?

• How many people have you actually asked out in real life?

If the answer is fewer than five, you’ll need to start asking people out more often. Dating in real life means facing rejection, and a lot of it.

And for the women who think it’s enough to sit back and let people approach you, you’re limiting your chances. You might be missing out on dating the people you actually want, just because they weren’t brave enough to make the first move.

Would You Date Yourself?

This may sound like a loaded question, but it’s one you need to honestly answer if you’re going to start asking people out in real life.

• Do you read?

• Do you have community-based hobbies like rock climbing, dancing, or yoga?

• Do you have a wide network of friends with varying levels of intimacy?

• Do you spend time improving yourself through therapy or self-reflection?

The key to finding the love you want isn’t just about finding the right person — it’s about being the right person.

If you want to attract someone who’s athletic or leads an active lifestyle, it helps to be that person too. If you want kindness and compassion, how much time are you spending learning to communicate your own needs kindly and compassionately?

How to Improve Your Odds of Finding Love Online

Fail Fast, Fail Cheap

Don’t spend too much time with the wrong person. The more time you waste on someone who isn’t right, the less time you’ll have to meet someone who is. And vice versa — it keeps them from finding their right person too.

Include your core values in your profile: religious beliefs, family plans, political values. The goal is to find someone aligned with what you want in life. If you want kids in the future, date people who also want kids. Simple as that.

Express Your Values Visually

A common mistake people make is failing to represent their values visually. Dating apps are all about photos. If your photos don’t showcase who you are, how do you expect to attract the right person?

When I take dating profile pictures for clients, we always start by discussing their values.

• What’s important to you?

• What brings you joy?

If you’re in the Rochester area, hiring a dating app photographer could be one of the easiest ways to improve your match quality.

No One Follows a Pessimist into Battle

It’s easy to become jaded by online dating, but it’s not your date’s job to convince you they’re a good person. If you walk into a date expecting failure, they can sense it.

Instead of thinking “here we go again,” treat every date as an opportunity to learn something new — about yourself or about someone else.

Maybe they’ll introduce you to a new book, show, or even a new perspective.

In Brazilian jiu-jitsu, we say, “you either win or you learn.” Dating is no different. You either find someone you want to spend time with or you learn something valuable for your next relationship.

Remember, you’ve got to keep breaking your heart until it opens. Good luck!